Chapter Seven

Ah, the “secure” life, playing it “safe”…..knowing in my heart this is not what God has intended for those who run whole heartedly towards to the Lord….because its that whole element of loving God so much that we let go and let God….oh the control element of this is SO hard!!!  Down control freak side, so that God can lead the way!!!  Thinking about the importance of having HIS will be done in that I actually put HIM first above all others, and putting my life in his hands….fully, without reserve….no take backs!  I hadn’t really thought about how hard this is for us humans who are so very selfish and want things our way, even though we know God’s way is best.  Why I choose the hard way sometimes I just don’t know, when His way is ALWAYS best, and it never turns into some big let down when he’s in charge….when I let him have his rightful control over my life I don’t reach the end of the day with the “regrets list countdown”….have you ever had those nights…end of the day, and Satan beats you over the head with every screw-up you had that day and you just feel so defeated?!  Well, I sure have, and praise the Lord for HIS word that can stomp out Satan’s lies.  That in Him we have strength to go on, that we are redeemed, that we can do anything with Christ’s help, that he loves and forgives us, and casts out those forgiven sins to think of them no more, and that we need to keep pressing forward to run the good race the God has set before us!

So it makes sense right?!  To trust our lives and hearts to our ever loving creator who died for us….so why do I hold back at times too timid or scared to fully commit.  In all actuality I choose to forfeit a deeper relationship with God when I choose to do this…missing out on a fuller life in Him, if I would only let Him lead I feel I could be more open to hearing his voice and reaping his blessings…and so, this playing it “safe” business I see now only leads to my own demise, pain, confusion, chaos, and missed blessings that I could enjoy had I only chosen to stay close to my master who loves me most…..so today, tonight, I shall try to delete this “playing it safe” business….and dive…dive deep into his love, his word, and the life he longs for me to live that is unreserved, no holds bars, God your number one and I don’t care who knows it kind of life…..I’m a little scared….why is that?!  LOL!

I love the examples of the faithful few in the bible, the forerunners for us to not only follow but be encouraged by…showing Gods strength in our weaknesses.  I love it so much because it pumps me up to serve the Lord and gets me all excited about His greatness being glorified through us….through us people, does that blow anybody else away….cause it sure as heck does it for me…WOW!!!

This chapter leads me back to the primary focus I feel like God is really working with me on….His love, for us, for others….the love he longs for us to have, to enjoy, and to bless others with.  Our love and devotion to Him and this love that extends to all around us in service to him which leads to service to others because its all for him….and its all about him!!!  So, this life of service, loving service to the Lord….Oh Lord I want you to use me, but I get so sidetracked, so selfish and self absorbed….keep me focused, save me from myself like Paul says…that whole area of doing what we DON”T want to do….let me do YOUR work Lord….not my own….help me to lose grip of self and my own agenda and just love and hold on to you God…the rest will just fall in line when its all about Him…don’t you think….doesn’t everything just feel like “all is right” when we’re living for God and under his will for our lives….whether in a storm or in a dead calm…it feels like everything will be just fine when we’re following His calling!  Now be prepared I feel, because the people of the world, even many Christians….may not agree, may even question you and secretly think “she’s crazy”….but its of no matter or concern, because if its all about God, who cares if they agree or can’t make sense of it….cause it’s all about HIM!!!

Thinking about my life, does it represent Christ’s love and what He would do for others?  If the love of God be in me, I should be Christlike right?!  Makes sense, uyet is not always so readily seen clearly in my own life sadly enough….so Satan puts doubt and fears….are you a fake, are you a sham….you are a hypocrite….we all are to some extent….saying one thing, doing another….but yet, though yet I guess God still loves us and wants to use us….once our love and commitment grows so does his spiritual growth within our hearts and lives burns brighter in and through us….so watch out Satan, you might be in for a battle the next time you go up against me on this feeding me your lies to get me off track, sidetracked, and depressed…..losing sight….when the race is right ahead of me, and I am going to run to God with the truth from now on knowing that in Him Satan is ALWAYS defeated, apart from God I am nothing, but because he lives in me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…..Oh Jesus, Sweet Jesus, use me….though I am nothing, use me, life or death, use me!!!

Ok, so loving many times means sacrifice, because we’re letting go of what we want and focusing on what God wants…people don’t like that word because it seems like a negative thing….but it can be the truest form of love and joy there is….to do it for Christ for others brings a feeling that is hard to even write out….but feels SO amazing!  It’s like getting a small taste of the wonderfulness of God…and its actually living in us….incredible!!  It’s not just this giving some guy on the side of the road a buck….it’s stopping and sharing the word of God with some lost soul who looks hopeless, and feeding the tummy while your at it….but food for his soul is of the utmost importance…stopping to share the gospel, to pray with them….your kids can be apart of this too….this can happen at your local park, or even your local walmart for that matter….God will let you know the time and the place, but its up to us to respond…what he wants you to “give” at that very moment in time….many around the world help out in the humanitarian effort of helping to bless other countries with Clean Fresh Water….or food for the hungry….but to leave out God is to leave out the most important element there is….and this we must never lose sight of…..I have been seeing this more and more even in my hometown….local churches doing “good” things for others, but leaving out God….to leave him out is almost a contradiction to what their church stands on….which should be him right…..our foundation should be on God and His word….never lose sight of that people….whatever you do…..God has been asking me to look at this deeper, and I have been praying about this in my own life, and my own church, and just the world at large….wondering why we don’t broaden our scope of thinking about “needs” of the people, whether here or in a 3^rd world country….knowing the spiritual need is great, and wondering why not many seem to be all that concerned….we have programs for everything and everyone, but it seems that on the spiritual end of things….it seems so dry, so watered down….ok I am getting a little carried away on this topic….I need to root myself back in Gods love for others, knowing our lives are the examples….we are his Examples….so this should be my primary focus…though its never wrong to question or buck the system if you know something is happening that is wrong that you cannot standby or be quiet about….good to know what you believe, why you believe, and stand by the truth of what God has taught us through his word no matter what…..no more of this lukewarm business…right?!

Loving this theme of true love, gives….gives our time, of our time, of our goods…whatever it is that we see….there are needs before us, but yet our own selfishness can blind us to the needs of others.  To give because God calls us to feels like the greatest blessing in the world, to keep for ourselves, and teach our children to do the same feel so joyless and fruitless…and makes no lasting impact on others.  We many times without realizing it have put our needs on a pedestal as if they are greater than all others when most people in the world around us have far less than us, even if it’s just on a spiritual level (which is a huge area to be missing, right?!)….I love this idea/mentality of giving and giving liberally.  Our world says, keep, take, get more….but God says love, give, and I will give you more….but we don’t seem to take Him at His word these days…in fact his word seems to not matter much to most…not even to me at times either.  Taking literally that he calls us to give without reserve, this is tough isn’t it?!  There have been times that god said give when I knew not where the next money would come from, but it’s what he laid on our hearts and so we did and the work came and we reaped the blessings of trusting God at his word and being obedient to His calling on our funds.  Its not just talking about tithing, that is just giving the first fruits of what we earn which is his anyways, but the giving of ourselves, our time, our love when it may not always be so easy and convenient.  I loved the story of the many who gave 20 percent tithe instead of just 10 percent and then upped it when times got worse….incredible!  What a testimony!  Though I am always excited to see God bless those who do this and bless them even more abundantly then they were before we shouldn’t think like this (if I give God will give me more) because maybe he will maybe he won’t but that’s not the point cause its not about us, but about trusting God at his word and obeying him if he calls us to do something that may seem extreme to the outside world….I love this idea of radical living!

To shift our thinking and our doing on this does become easier, it becomes a way of life like he says…but the letting go process…the beginning of this is hard, and this stripping away of our own thinking and beliefs on this and bringing it over to Gods thinking doesn’t come naturally….I feel God doing a work in me and our family, and it has been wonderful!  But it is something that feels unnatural in the beginning…but once it’s a way of life for us, it becomes our norm…and oh what a beautiful day that is…to see our things as His things, and when you see a call on something to give freely of those things because they are not ours to begin with.  I love to see my children keep a light hold on their things being willing to give to others of “their” stuff rather than holding tightly to things that have no real importance and can be a blessing to others.  I still remember when Hannah was about 3 or 4 we were talking one day about “giving our best” to God, and she wondered is there a child somewhere that would like her bunny….tears came to my eyes because this was no regular bunny….this was the bunny she had slept with since she was a baby, the bunny she fell asleep cuddling with ever night…incredible this little child could grasp this thought and be willing to give the very best of what she had and loved so dearly….it was an awesome thing to behold and challenged me as well!!!

Faith….boy has God been teaching me A LOT about this the past few years, living day to day, week to week, having faith that God will provide for our basic needs (and he does), having faith he will provide work for Michael (and he does), having faith that he will help me to be a mother of all these children (and he does)….I am not enough, Michael is not enough….we can’t make this happen….but having faith in knowing that God doesn’t leave us but instead wants to show us how great he is….it’s a constant reminder each week really that he can be depended upon….it’s incredible!!!  Has this always been easy, heck no!  but has he given us a peace and strength to make it through, heck yeah!  He gives us wisdom during these times, showing us in his word how great he is, and how much he can do in helping us be better stewards of our money, of our time, of our lives….when we give all for the Lord…sometimes I want to drop it all and move to some far off country with the kids, to jump in to a tribe somewhere and share the word of God where there isn’t one…to translate the word of God just for them so they have a bible of their very own…..but right now, at this very moment, he has called us here….Como, NC….and so we are still knowing he is God and serve him here whenever however he so calls us whether it’s the girl down the street who needs someone to share God with her and pray with her and love her and take an interest in her….or if it’s a church that loves the humanitarian effort to help the world but leaves Jesus out entirely…..ministering to them showing them that God thinks outside the box but yet his word is unchanging…..to leave God out is to miss the whole point!  “spending of ourselves” I love this!  Give of what you have been given….don’t’ worry about the next guy….just you and God….he’s working in you and through you be open, willing, and say “yes, Lord, your servant is listening”……I love this, this was stated by Mary as well as Samuel and I just LOVE it…to me it’s a reminder of our love, our reverence,      and our very attitude and commitment to God having that open ear to his calling, and getting up and doing if and when he calls!

Chapter Six

As I was reading about Grandma Clara Michael’s Grandma (we call her Gigi) came to mind.  You see she didn’t have this great wonderful life that everyone in America dreams about.  But her life was full of God’s “blessings”.  He took her through many years being married to the same cantankerous man…blessing her and helping her through the hard times, he took her through having 6 wonderful children (losing two to stillborn, twins….but there was a third not known about who was alive underneath, her sixth “miracle” baby) who some of her children gave her a terrible time as children and teens (drugs, alcohol, teen pregnancy….you name it), losing a son to cancer last year, losing a husband to sickness….but through all this (and so much more) there is such a peace and joy about her.  She rolls through life full of love for others, full of encouraging words for others….her house full of tapes, books, and her marked up bible that she reads so often, prayer notes, knowing she prays often….she is alone in her little basement “palace” and she is a blessing to all who know her.  She sends letters out to her family so often, sending bibles out to the children, sending cards out to celebrate special occasions…she to me epitomizes “true love” for the Savior.  She lives in that Love for the Savior…she didn’t get through all this out of love for herself, or even love for her family…..that wouldn’t have given her joy when they failed and hurt her often….but it was that LOVE for the Savior…….oh how I long to fall deeper in love with you Christ that I would give all to be close to you, be near you, not be satisfied for a second to be apart from you….I feel the love growing, and praise God for it…..because it is from GOD!!!

The past chapter God was bringing me to a place to focus on “love” and here it is reaffirming this idea.  That if I get lost in “trying harder” its no longer about love….because when we’re filled with his love for others for Him….there is no need to try harder because his love envelops us, overflows in us and is just an outpouring to others of what is already happening within our hearts…so this love that I am realizing is the most important thing should be something we feel each day, but go to God for refueling, strengthening, seeking what he would have for us in blessing others with that outpouring of His love for others.  Many times in my life my focus has been shifted onto me, making it all about what I can do to be better, what I can do to help God (as if he needs my help), but never thinking about just loving him, having so much faith in him that I don’t need to stress and worry about things, he is my existence…through good and bad times, always thanking him because he is teaching me, and refining me, and actually growing more love in me so I can see and encourage others when they go through similar things….our very lives is God’s ministry, its in all those “small” things that show his love for others…but always going back to his Love….because our earthly love surely isn’t enough…..it’s limited, its conditional, its just not God’s best…..and of coarse his best would be HIS LOVE!!!

The word bondage stuck out to me, because most people in the world (many unknowingly) are living in bondage…they feel trapped, they feel lonely, they are hurting…..yet most don’t have the true Freedom of Christ because they aren’t really IN love with him….they believe in him (even Satan does) but they are not IN love with him…..so here we are…..saying we “love” him….but not loving the lost…..do we have the faith to reach out, that God CAN use us, that HIS love is enough…..if we believe his love is great, is deep, is everything we will ever need….why not?!  Why not reach out, why not spread the love….we should long to do so…we should look for opportunities to do so….many say, “oh God will show me when and where” and she shall (though most don’t take him up on his offer) but missionaries who move off to Asia for instance aren’t just praying to come across someone they are seeking out the lost and lonely….are we not missionaries in our own neighborhoods, on our very streets, at our local Walmart….you know what I mean?!  I have been praying about this, asking God to change my mind set to this….because my love for him is great, but to LOVE him IS to love OTHERS….ya know?!

Holy Spirit, asking him to fill us with more love for God and others….loving this, because this reminder is key!   He moves in us, he leads us, he gives us help…..he is our helper (this is what the bible/God says about the Holy Spirit) so I need to take this HELP….cause hunny….I need all the HELP I can get!!!  So, this is an aspect people many times look past or over (check out Francis second book Forgotten God, it’s all about the Holy Spirit and is AWESOME).  So, I honed in on this because I need more help, and more wisdom, more guidance in serving Christ….what to do, what to say.  Many times I talk myself out of things (satan helps me with this mindset) saying I need to spend more time in the word to share God with others, I need to know more scripture to share God with others…..excuses!!!  Bottom line, God has changed my world, my life, and filled me with joy and love…..shouldn’t his great work in my measly life be enough?!  Heck yeah!!!  He’s done so much for me I could brag on him all day long to share his incredible love to others, the miracles he’s done, the God stories I have are numerous, his greatness is limitless….this love is meant to be spread and shared….but if we aren’t filled with his love…we’re lacking, and how can we share it if we don’t have it…..so lets run to the true source people, and yeah it takes his love to love him more….cause that’s the only true love there is!!!

So, heres the thing that I think gets a little confusing and misleading for the world to handle….you see many Christians make out Christianity to be all wonderful, and perfect, and full of blessings and great things….when it simply isn’t true.  Yes, God gives us love and joy throughout, and peace that passes all understanding even amidst our troubles….but we HAVE troubles, and are going to have troubles, but it’s God in oru lives always at work getting us through each moment of every day…making good from evil, helping us to learn and still live and love with HIS love in the midst of great hardship…..this is what sets us apart….when the world says “this hurts I give up” Christians should be saying “I know it hurts, but keep going, keep growing, keep loving, keep seeking Gods face”…..we should also be saying “your hurting, what can I do to encourage you”, “can I pray with you” “I am praying for you (meaning you really are actually praying for them not some empty promise that means nothing)”, the list goes on but bottom life….we shouldn’t lie to others and say life will be great with Jesus at our side…..it is true, but they may believe it will be perfect….and the bible SO tells us otherwise, and its our deep love for Him and HIM for us that gets us through those times, even thanking him through those times….he has taught me a lot about thanking him in ALL things this past year, and its added joy to my life that I have never experienced before!

Thinking about Christians around the world, the ones who don’t even have the freedom to go to the church of their choosing, allowed to have a bible of their own….one they must keep hidden and secret, to sneak to church in some hidden place so as to worship God with others….wow!  we say we “sacrifice” is just so minimal in our society of freedom….yeah we have those who dislike us due to God and his word, but its nothing compared to what others in China, and other countries in Asia are going through with having their churches burned, having their preachers arrested and/or beaten for preaching God’s word….the list goes on….but if you want to know more go to:

www.persecution.com

More than that our Lord and Savior…all that he did for us, all that he went through….because he loved us THAT much, and wants us to reciprocate that love….or Lord fill me with more LOVE for YOU….so wonderful you are to us, and oh what a blessing I want to be to you!  Giving more then we think we can, and see what he will do….what a great but scary thought….knowing he can always give more, his resources are limitless….but it’s the letting go….realizing all is His….not worrying about funds for the next bill, but meeting the needs of those asking for help when and if needed…..God calls us to help others….not because they “deserve” it, but when we are called, to give, when we are asked, to give…not asking anything in return…but because this is what God has called us to do…spending time in prayer, going and doing as he leads.  Funny how it always comes down to love, its all about his love isn’t it.  No longer feeling like work, love blesses us beyond measure!

I love the ending prayer, the wanting more even when I don’t feel I want more…..out of love serving him, and when I don’t feel the love asking for it….because his power is limitless…..we can’t outgive, outlove, outthink God…..so giving all because of this love for him is all we can do right?!  Running towards him who heartedly….no wasting time with the twinkies of sin….but running the great race, in the way he would have us because it’s all about LOVING him….it’s all about Him!

Chapter Five

Chapter 5:  Crazy Love

Question of the week:

After reading this chapter did you have any doubts over your own salvation?  Francis talks about this not the working harder, but the actual falling in love with Jesus.  Where did this chapter leave you?

My Feedback for chapter:

So scrap my first crack at chapter five, I will say minimally as possible some thoughts, but it won’t be the ranting and raving that I went through the first time I tried to type this up….I was so caught up in being frustrated with myself and the rest of the world for not loving God how we should or how I think we should, and how he deserves that I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t think straight….I just couldn’t believe how I treat my Lord and Savior, and how much more he deserves of me….but putting myself in his word daily, praying often asking him “what do you want from your servant Lord for I am listening and willing”……this should be my prayer throughout the day….I am able to see more clearly the needs of others when I’m focused on God and his love for others….even finding purpose and meaning in serving him in the little things….the cleaning of the laundry for the umpteenth time, the  cooking and serving of the food that will be gone in minutes….knowing what I do for others I do for God…..telling myself, “I am washing these dishes for God, I am making this meal for God, I am changing this poopy diaper for God”…..and that’s what I think this chapter is all about….living for God, loving him more deeply, and giving our first fruits, our VERY BEST for God…..not the leftovers, end of the day, tired as all get out, here’s a little face time, goodbye sort of treatment….but a full loving devotion that says, heres my best, I give it to you, because I love YOU that much!!!  More than that, I can present myself, knowing I can give my best, but with HIS help I can do HIS best….which is SO over the top better than anything I can pull off humanly possible….so here’s to GODS best my beautiful ladies in Christ!!!!  It's not about doing more church things, it's not about finding what will "make God happy"!  It's about taking what God has given me, the roles he has put me in as mother, wife, friend, and servant for him and saying I am giving my all to this, not half heartedly,.....but my all full time and devotion!

My hope has returned people, and praise God for it….it is HE that brought it back, but it was rebuking Satan’s lies and focusing on the truth that brought this restoration about as well…..I mean how in the world am I supposed to be some wonderful witness for God when I’m walking around all discouraged myself?!  LOL!  The time has come to allow God to prune me, refine me, mold me, and use this little Mama to five soon to be six for HIS glory, and forget about what I think or how I feel…..cause, “IT’S NOT ABOUT ME”…..praise God!!!!

Chapter Four

Crazy Love:  Chapter Four

Question of the week:  Discuss a verse that jumped out at you in this chapter!  Share some change your going to make in response to reading this chapter?!  (this came from his DVD from this book)

Enthusiasm for Christ….the joy and enthusiasm for this eternal treasure that He has given me….do I even feel this passion and fire so as to be so consumed by it that I can’t help but want to pass this treasure on…truly caring about the eternity of others.  This is no game we’re in, this life is short.  How dare I, even once, pass up an opportunity to share Christ with other.  This Lord who loves me so much, who gave us, his only son to death, so that we could be forgiven…I feel the passion, I feel the love…but I need to think about others eternity….not just be so selfish in keeping it for myself….being thankful that I have it….what about the world around me.  There is ONLY one God, and there is only ONE way TO God that is through Christ, He bridges the gap….he is the ONLY God that died for me….do I truly care about the lost or not….this is weighing heavily on my mind as I read this chapter…..all I take for granted, all I keep for myself, how lazy I have become in my faith in SO many ways.

Numbers…churches get wrapped up in this, WE sometimes get wrapped up in this…God isn’t keeping some sort of tally of “How many people Amber has shared God with”….he cares about my heart status, my willingness to serve him, my love and dedication to him.  I went to a VBS banquet last year at the end of the session show the kids did….one of the main leaders kept going over how many people attended each day, total number for the week and so forth….but what I wanted to know wasn’t how many came but how many ask more questions about Christ….how did the children respond to the message of Christ, did anyone  dear child ask Jesus into their heart, did they ask those wonderful questions that lets you know Christ is working on them, is speaking to their sweet spirits….the Holy Spirit is always at work, and he can work through us when we have truly given our hearts fully over to God.  If we have not, and have not asked God to forgive us our sins and believe Jesus is the only way to God and heaven, we don’t have the Holy Spirit, we couldn’t possibly unless we have asked Jesus to BE the Lord of our life….so here I am all laid back not thinking about how important the Holy Spirit is….he gives me wisdom, discernment, he lives within me…..this is pretty important and I need to address my laziness issue before I lazily pass up another chance to spread Gods love, his word to others….I have seen a woman hurting at the checkout line at Walmart, saw in her eyes how lonely she looked, how sad….she was the checkout lady…but instead of asking how she was, telling her God loved her, asking to pray with her or telling her I would be praying for her….I said NOTHING….I didn’t want to “upset her”……who cares, she was upset whether I said something or not….to know someone else cares….that there is a God who loves us and cares about us….this was the message I chose to keep selfishly for myself that day….oh you weak flesh of little use!  I chastised my own selfishness, but made a vow to never do that again…..to NOT listen to satan’s lies about what a person would think or feel……it only mattered that God gave me the eyes to see her pain, and that I pray for his help in speaking to her….to obey him was ALL that mattered in that very moment  and I chose to do the opposite….I have asked for his forgiveness, and had to forgive myself….but now I must learn from it and NEVER get so lackadaisical about what matters most…Christ and saying, “yes Lord your servant is listening”…..I want to be like Mary, like Samuel and obey when he speaks, to have an open ear to his words, his calling….yes lord your servant is listening!!!

The “good soil” he refers to from scripture….SO right on!!!  Am I bearing “good fruit” if not I need to ask myself “why not”.  What am I going to do in changing the pattern lifestyle I’m living that is preventing this “good fruit”.  What is distracting me, what is diverting me off His path, what can I get rid of, root out, be willing to let go of so that I can bear this good fruit…so MY OWN CHILDREN can see and know what this GOOD FRUIT looks like.  I feel so angry and passionate right now its almost irritating, this chapter has been my rip out and want to throw out to the trash chapter…but keep because I need to digest, dig deeper, and pray on the things that are calling my BUTT out on the floor….dear Jesus help me to be open to change, to this calling out so that I no longer sit here being all talk and no show…..I need your help!!!  I don’t EVER want to settle for “godly enough” as he refers….oh I think I may be “good enough” so this is enough change for now….it’s never enough, he asks for ALL of me, all my love, my very life….and HE deserves it….I DON”T deserve the eternal life he has given me, but he actually does deserve my full dedication…..even how I serve my own family….do I serve them as with my whole heart as if I’m serving him….rarely…..he says in his word what I do for others I am doing to and for him…..scary thought sometimes right?!  Well, to me it is….I have screwed him over one too many times, and I am SO over myself right now its getting ridiculous…..Francis words of “ITS NOT ABOUT YOU” just keep popping up in my mind EVERY chapter I read….but its SO true….and I tell myself this at least once a day, and it helps, it keeps me in check in a lot of ways and helps me to change my focus OFF of me rather then on me….

James 4:17

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it sins.

James 1:22

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says.

These two verses stuck out to me because I know the word, its in my heart, Love his word, I teach my children the ways of the Lord and teach them in the word….but it’s the DOING it, the LIVING it….this sometimes is hard for me in some ways….speaking at uncomfortable times and places….who cares I need to do it….he died for me, give over yourself I need to say….I sin when I don’t do it…bottom line…no second chances on this….now or never….and I NEED to live the now every moment and treat each moment like my last….I do not want to be lukewarm….I don’t want a little bit of God, I don’t want to be comfortable….I want to give all, be open to the “radical” way of the Lord not caring what others think.  I want to have his eyes to see the hearing, to have his willingness to speak for his father, to spread his love to the world….to care so deeply it doesn’t matter any longer how the world see’s me but how GOD see’s me!  I want my love and service to be limitless….to NOT say “ok god I’ll give this much, but not all that you ask and require”….I want to give my whole heart to him because above all HE actually deserves it, to love him means to have his love for others….if I am living selfishly for myself and only my family how can I say I love God when he gave his son for the world…not just me or my family….the world!  Do I not see the world who are lost and hurting….they are right there in front of me…but I quickly walk by, drive by, push my cart in front of…..you name it!

How much STUFF do we need….good grief….we say we love God but don’t’ want to live the “servants” life we want to live the RICH life….more money, more things, more happiness….ALL LIES FROM SATAN!  I mean sure more money might make things easier but it may make me less dependent on God, more selfish, and then how much love and service am I giving then….I’d rather be poor money whise and live for Christ then have all the money in the world and be eternally lost and squander my life away for myself…it amounts to NOTHING.  It feels good to help others, to put others first….HELP ME LORD TO BE A BLESSING AND TO SEE A NEED AND MEET IT….you will provide even if I can’t see the work now, the funds now.

I’m over this playing it safe business, I want to live for him fully not half heartedly…..do we half heartedly love our kids or husbands?!  Then why would we do this to our heavenly God and father who has done so much more for us…..we should love him above all others including ourselves…to love Him better is to love others…..he changes us, helps us to see things differently, in HIS way not OUR control freak ways!   Am I willing to sacrifice all for his call for his will to be done?  I think so, but then when I am called out to do something, which should be often if we’re really listening and following him…do I do it?  If not I am again full of words, and my life isn’t reflecting him or bearing good fruit….oh Jesus my heart aches for my past waste of time and life that could have been doing more, being more for you….forgive my selfishness….help me to exemplify you and your life….giving all glory to you….all that is good within me is from you…..forgive my negligence of you!  I know you don’t NEED me, but I NEED you and ask you use me, and give me to the power to do great things in your name…not for myself, but for you….so the world see’s your greatness….so they can no longer say “there is no God” or “my god is the only God”….when Jesus truly is the ONLY way….we cannot compromise this truth….if you do, you cannot be a follower of Christ….his very word says this truth, to say it is not true is to say Christ is a liar which he is not and could not be….EVERYTHING in his word is true…..this I do know!

We say we have faith in God, but it seems limited….i will follow and believe this much, but when it stretches me I pull things back in my own hands and try to “fix” things…boy am I delusional to think I can fix things better then GOD?!  Wow, I have things messed up in my thinking process when I do this…my faith needs to run deep, unwavering, knowing his plan is best whether I see it or not…I will not move till he moves me if he brings me to a particular place…..I don’t want to doubt him, question him, or stress over things that I can’t fix or can’t see myself through…..I need to run to the Lord and sit as his feet being still and knowing HE IS GOD!!!

I realize I am a sinner, that I mess up, but I am fully dedicating the rest of my life in the service of God…this half way business is NO longer, I know I will not be perfect, and I don’t strive to be….I just want to love and serve God and not myself….this selfish life has gone on long enough, though my love has always been there for Christ, my full commitment has not been!

This chapter was hatefully wonderful…..it felt painful at times, but SO what I needed RIGHT NOW….this is HIS life, what am I waiting for?!!!  There is a Christian song that says, “this is your life, are you who you want to be”…..but I challenge you including myself…..to change the words to “this is HIS life, show me what you want from me” it’s his life, what does HE want….it doesn’t matter what we want to be….we get that all messed up with all the worlds influences and our own selfish sinful nature….we don’t get HIS reality of what HE wants…..so let’s move forward , praying and asking God for HIS will to be done, to see clearly as to what he wants from us, to hear clearly his words, his calling on our lives….

Chapter Three

Crazy Love:  Chapter 3

Question of the Week:  Thinking of the great love God has for us, the deep love that brought him to the cross and dying for us…do you remember when you first “got it”?  When you truly felt you loved the Lord.  Not a works driven relationship, but a love for God because he died for us and because he first loved us.  When did you first realize you began to love him with your whole heart, mind, and soul?

______________________________________________________________________

I somehow  always knew since childhood god Loved me, was there for me, and would never let me go. I cried out often to him aching for a “normal” family and he comforted me.  I was angry and shared my anger with him and he gave me peace.  Sometimes I went on skipping him and depending on the world to meet my needs, but that always ended badly so I ran back to him, knowing he was all I really needed.

Though my father was rather mean and distant for the most part, it didn’t warp my thoughts and feelings on God.  I knew somehow his love was better and deeper.  I think it had a lot to do with being a Christian school and going to church every Sunday.  The love of the father, my heavenly father was constantly being reinforced outside of the home even if it wasn’t being reinforced inside the home.  Though I saw firsthand my mother rely on him consistently and saw the peace and strength it gave her.  I knew he was for real!  It was only by God that I was given the love and forgiveness towards my father that released me of the anger and bitterness that I had building and growing inside of me as I grew into a teenager. 

Some feelings this chapter brought to the forefront was a longing I had growing up to feel “good enough”.  To this day I still feel that childhood need and want at times.  I had felt I never measured up somehow to what my father wanted or needed and had I all would have been better or different.  Ofocarse this was a childhood fantasy, but as a child you just don’t get it.  But I still do this before my heavenly father.  Wanting to do more, be more, so that I can be “good enough”.  One thing that I realize now as an adult was that my father never felt “good enough” himself and that just overflowed out of him quite often and was dumped on us.  Though these longings reside within me, I have to run often to my heavenly father who made me and washed away my sins and find meaning and purpose in Him knowing that he does NOT make mistakes and through him I am good enough….but Satan LOVES to whisper in my ear, “you just don’t measure up, why try”, “you keep making the SAME mistakes, stop taking things so seriously, that’s just a part of life and living”…..things like this and worse can run through my mind throughout the day and I HAVE to combat his words with GODS word and rebuke Satan’s lies with the truth!  So here I am knowing I am NOT good enough, but God is, and the good that is within me is from him.  He saved me and redeemed my life…..wow, and I struggle to spend time in his word and to put him first….does this make any sense at all???!!!  AH!!!!

“Loving the Lord with all your heart, mind and soul” is this true for me…really?!  Do I love him so much that I long to spend time with him in prayer and his word.  This chapter is revealing the nature of my fleshly desires that many times outweigh my love for the Lord….oh how selfish and worldly I am in many respects without even really realizing it.  I can choose a Christian book over the bible on most days…hey it’s encouraging right?!  Sure, but its not God’s word….the words I need most is in the Holy bible and I quickly busy myself and move on!  I do love him, truly I do, I do long to have a deeper relationship with him….but my commitment and effort needs to deepen dramatically!  Living things out theoretically seems to be a way of life for me (or has been).  It makes sense what I need to do, I want to do these things, I know I should do these things, but the actual living out process in real life time…..this chapter has been an eye opener in SO many ways….it’s as if I feel my life coming to life in some respects for the first time, falling in love in a deeper more real way with my Savior…this just blows my mind, it’s incredible!!!

When Francis talks about that visual description of God touching Jeremiah’s lips to give him the right works to speak is just awesome!  Knowing God can always be depended upon to guide me, help me, and even give me the words to speak for him fills me with hope and power to do more and be more….opening myself up for usage for him whenever he calls me to do or say anything!  I may not be “enough” but he that lives within me is…thank you Jesus!!!

When Francis honed in on the fact that God will assure our success according to HIS plan was a wonderful thought!  HIS plan though, get it, not ours….or even our definition of success for that matter…bringing me back to the idea of what is GODS best for me right now, not what I think is best…ITS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!  Am I getting this yet, I’m not sure, lol!  When he brings you to a particular destination he does not leave us or abandon us, he instead gives us words of wisdom and shows me what to do next and blesses my steps….wow, that makes me want to step out in faith not fearfully trudge forward but excitedly move forward with peace and excitement knowing HE who can do ALL things in with me, before me, already preparing the way, already fighting my battles for me….incredible!!!

It sounds so crazy, so illogical doesn’t it?!  That though he doesn’t “need” us he still loves us an wants us and considers US his inheritance as if we are or can be a gift to him….Lord use my life so that I can be a gift to you!!!  When I consider the hurt I have caused him all too often due to my lack of want and love for him it overwhelms me with heartache and all I can do is run to him, seek his forgiveness and move forward in the new day of what is to come….letting go of the past as he has already done when we ask for his forgiveness.  The MOST illogical aspect of all of this to me is that we actually DO NEED HIM but many times we don’t want him out of sheer selfishness or just want a little of him here and there when want him to serve us…..when WE SHOULD BE SERVING HIM!?  The lack of love I have at times for the creator who loves me most of all in all the world….what a travesty that surpasses so many other “travesty’s” in the world today….It makes absolutely NO sense that I would do this to my Lord and Savior….so it goes back to the whole area of my love for him…..the whole heart, soul, and mind….which ironically is the question of the week……

I thought I “loved” my Lord and Savior, but really my actions don’t reflect that.  Do I believe in him, yes (even satan does), have I accepted him as my Savior, and am I forgiven, yes…..but have I FULLY committed by whole heart and life to him…..only for moments at a time….i do “take backs” all the time, and try to run the show and fix things for myself…..oh sweet Jesus HELP ME GET BACK ON TRACK….my focus needs to be YOU, my goal of every day should be to serve YOU, I need to put YOU first, love YOU best, and I need to do it NOW…..so it’s  not longer about ok this is how I feel, its NOW about what am I going to do about it to make this change.  I do NOT want to continue with this ALL TALK business….that is most of the world…we are all about talk and no show…..so right now I am making that commitment to read the word EVERY day because I LOVE him, to spend time in prayer….not those quick shout outs but REAL prayer and meditation, EVERY day, to commit my day to him EVERY day, and let him fill me with a deeper love and devotion to him…..releasing and letting go of things that don’t matter….show me Lord those things I need to let go of or minimize…..I NEED MORE OF YOU and less of ME…..I am so over the ME life, it sickens me how much time I have wasted and how upset I have gotten over the years over making things about ME, making me happy, why don’t they care about me, what about me….AHHHH!!

Ok so somehow I think I answered the question of the week amidst all these words and feelings and somehow I do hope I have shared and encouraged in a way that somebody could understand….wow I just feel like I went through a VERY powerful counseling session and had a “break through” anybody feeling this way….break through city, I am LOVING this!!!!