Chapter Three

Crazy Love:  Chapter 3

Question of the Week:  Thinking of the great love God has for us, the deep love that brought him to the cross and dying for us…do you remember when you first “got it”?  When you truly felt you loved the Lord.  Not a works driven relationship, but a love for God because he died for us and because he first loved us.  When did you first realize you began to love him with your whole heart, mind, and soul?

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I somehow  always knew since childhood god Loved me, was there for me, and would never let me go. I cried out often to him aching for a “normal” family and he comforted me.  I was angry and shared my anger with him and he gave me peace.  Sometimes I went on skipping him and depending on the world to meet my needs, but that always ended badly so I ran back to him, knowing he was all I really needed.

Though my father was rather mean and distant for the most part, it didn’t warp my thoughts and feelings on God.  I knew somehow his love was better and deeper.  I think it had a lot to do with being a Christian school and going to church every Sunday.  The love of the father, my heavenly father was constantly being reinforced outside of the home even if it wasn’t being reinforced inside the home.  Though I saw firsthand my mother rely on him consistently and saw the peace and strength it gave her.  I knew he was for real!  It was only by God that I was given the love and forgiveness towards my father that released me of the anger and bitterness that I had building and growing inside of me as I grew into a teenager. 

Some feelings this chapter brought to the forefront was a longing I had growing up to feel “good enough”.  To this day I still feel that childhood need and want at times.  I had felt I never measured up somehow to what my father wanted or needed and had I all would have been better or different.  Ofocarse this was a childhood fantasy, but as a child you just don’t get it.  But I still do this before my heavenly father.  Wanting to do more, be more, so that I can be “good enough”.  One thing that I realize now as an adult was that my father never felt “good enough” himself and that just overflowed out of him quite often and was dumped on us.  Though these longings reside within me, I have to run often to my heavenly father who made me and washed away my sins and find meaning and purpose in Him knowing that he does NOT make mistakes and through him I am good enough….but Satan LOVES to whisper in my ear, “you just don’t measure up, why try”, “you keep making the SAME mistakes, stop taking things so seriously, that’s just a part of life and living”…..things like this and worse can run through my mind throughout the day and I HAVE to combat his words with GODS word and rebuke Satan’s lies with the truth!  So here I am knowing I am NOT good enough, but God is, and the good that is within me is from him.  He saved me and redeemed my life…..wow, and I struggle to spend time in his word and to put him first….does this make any sense at all???!!!  AH!!!!

“Loving the Lord with all your heart, mind and soul” is this true for me…really?!  Do I love him so much that I long to spend time with him in prayer and his word.  This chapter is revealing the nature of my fleshly desires that many times outweigh my love for the Lord….oh how selfish and worldly I am in many respects without even really realizing it.  I can choose a Christian book over the bible on most days…hey it’s encouraging right?!  Sure, but its not God’s word….the words I need most is in the Holy bible and I quickly busy myself and move on!  I do love him, truly I do, I do long to have a deeper relationship with him….but my commitment and effort needs to deepen dramatically!  Living things out theoretically seems to be a way of life for me (or has been).  It makes sense what I need to do, I want to do these things, I know I should do these things, but the actual living out process in real life time…..this chapter has been an eye opener in SO many ways….it’s as if I feel my life coming to life in some respects for the first time, falling in love in a deeper more real way with my Savior…this just blows my mind, it’s incredible!!!

When Francis talks about that visual description of God touching Jeremiah’s lips to give him the right works to speak is just awesome!  Knowing God can always be depended upon to guide me, help me, and even give me the words to speak for him fills me with hope and power to do more and be more….opening myself up for usage for him whenever he calls me to do or say anything!  I may not be “enough” but he that lives within me is…thank you Jesus!!!

When Francis honed in on the fact that God will assure our success according to HIS plan was a wonderful thought!  HIS plan though, get it, not ours….or even our definition of success for that matter…bringing me back to the idea of what is GODS best for me right now, not what I think is best…ITS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!  Am I getting this yet, I’m not sure, lol!  When he brings you to a particular destination he does not leave us or abandon us, he instead gives us words of wisdom and shows me what to do next and blesses my steps….wow, that makes me want to step out in faith not fearfully trudge forward but excitedly move forward with peace and excitement knowing HE who can do ALL things in with me, before me, already preparing the way, already fighting my battles for me….incredible!!!

It sounds so crazy, so illogical doesn’t it?!  That though he doesn’t “need” us he still loves us an wants us and considers US his inheritance as if we are or can be a gift to him….Lord use my life so that I can be a gift to you!!!  When I consider the hurt I have caused him all too often due to my lack of want and love for him it overwhelms me with heartache and all I can do is run to him, seek his forgiveness and move forward in the new day of what is to come….letting go of the past as he has already done when we ask for his forgiveness.  The MOST illogical aspect of all of this to me is that we actually DO NEED HIM but many times we don’t want him out of sheer selfishness or just want a little of him here and there when want him to serve us…..when WE SHOULD BE SERVING HIM!?  The lack of love I have at times for the creator who loves me most of all in all the world….what a travesty that surpasses so many other “travesty’s” in the world today….It makes absolutely NO sense that I would do this to my Lord and Savior….so it goes back to the whole area of my love for him…..the whole heart, soul, and mind….which ironically is the question of the week……

I thought I “loved” my Lord and Savior, but really my actions don’t reflect that.  Do I believe in him, yes (even satan does), have I accepted him as my Savior, and am I forgiven, yes…..but have I FULLY committed by whole heart and life to him…..only for moments at a time….i do “take backs” all the time, and try to run the show and fix things for myself…..oh sweet Jesus HELP ME GET BACK ON TRACK….my focus needs to be YOU, my goal of every day should be to serve YOU, I need to put YOU first, love YOU best, and I need to do it NOW…..so it’s  not longer about ok this is how I feel, its NOW about what am I going to do about it to make this change.  I do NOT want to continue with this ALL TALK business….that is most of the world…we are all about talk and no show…..so right now I am making that commitment to read the word EVERY day because I LOVE him, to spend time in prayer….not those quick shout outs but REAL prayer and meditation, EVERY day, to commit my day to him EVERY day, and let him fill me with a deeper love and devotion to him…..releasing and letting go of things that don’t matter….show me Lord those things I need to let go of or minimize…..I NEED MORE OF YOU and less of ME…..I am so over the ME life, it sickens me how much time I have wasted and how upset I have gotten over the years over making things about ME, making me happy, why don’t they care about me, what about me….AHHHH!!

Ok so somehow I think I answered the question of the week amidst all these words and feelings and somehow I do hope I have shared and encouraged in a way that somebody could understand….wow I just feel like I went through a VERY powerful counseling session and had a “break through” anybody feeling this way….break through city, I am LOVING this!!!!