Chapter Two

Chapter Two:

Do I truly live in the knowledge that this day could be my last? How differently I would live! I’m so foolish because in a sense I live as if my days will never end, rather than the reality that my days are numbered, are short, are just a vapor- if I kept this fresh in my mind, I KNOW I would treat my moments with more care and my words would have more meaning, my impact for Christ would seem more important and the sense of urgency would and should be more real to me everyday.

Worry and Stress can be huge distractions of life that also can steal our very health…even our life for that matter!  It reminded me of the little faith I have at times, and they joy I forfeit often when I choose to get all worried and stressed rather than know in good faith God can be trusted and depended upon in all circumstances.

I didn’t realize how often I get so wrapped up in “my” own life rather than continually seeking what God has for my life since my life is his in the first place.  That it is about Him not me.  If I believe this in my heart, shouldn’t I reflect that with my life?  I am being called out on the floor in this chapter, and its things that I seriously need to look at, deal with, and pray about!  Praise God for this chapter though, whether it hurts to have God root those “impurities” out or not, this NEEDS to happen!!!  If not dealt with it would be detrimental and affect my life negatively had I not been called out on the floor with these reality checks!

I know I am just an ordinary person, but ask this day that God will use me and work his miracles through our family to show his glory and lead others to the truth of how much God loves the world!  I love how honestly raw he is “get over yourself”.  This is SO true, shall I live my 2/5ths of a second being open to His calling in my life, or shall I waste this short life and and the blessings I have been given and just squander my life away for myself?

Wow, the thought “Does your life point to Him” pops out to me today…speaking to my heart so strongly!  Does it?  Am I living the “safe” life, or am I willing to risk it all for the glory of God doing whatever he calls me to do living fully for Him. My heart and my love, are they fully dedicated to Him first and foremost…this resonates in my spirit as I read chapter two.

Am I ready to go just yet, mostly no, not because I fear death or heaven…I am SO excited of the thought of Gods eternal reward for those who truly love Him.  But I’ve done so little for him thus far…I feel so small…Lord help me and work through me!  I know it’s not by works that I am saved, but I still long to serve Him more fully!  I want to do more in the sense of making myself available, willing and ready upon his request…but my focus needs to be in the right place so I can actually HEAR him!!!  Lord help me to HEAR you, and then in obedience do whatever it is you request of me…no matter what the world thinks or has to say on the matter!

The essay written by the 12 year old girl was such a blessing to me!  Am I preparing the way…paving a clear road for my children to follow, to challenge them to love Him more deeply, and be willing to risk all for the sake of Christ, to take up my cross and follow him?!  Something that jumped out at me in this essay is her CHOICE to be joyful, to choose to focus on others and minister to others.  In this “me” first world this opposite reaction can only be accomplished with Christ’s help and our loving Him so much that we can’t help but want to choose this life to be completely abandoned to the heart of god (what hurts him should hurts me also) having his heart overflowing out of us to bless others with.  Am I choosing to be a “history maker” as this young girl states? Or am I just choosing to learn about those who lived before me and those who love and serve him, but playing it safe on the sidelines occasionally jumping in the game and “doing my best” rather than God’s best for my life.  He can use me, us, this study, to transform our hearts and lives….this is just an incredibly exciting thought that overwhelms me with emotions right now!  Use me Lord, I want to risk it all for your glory!

This house of mourning section made me thinking of this great movie that EVERYONE should go out and buy and give to others to bless them with as well!  It’s called, “the Secrets of Jonathan Sperry”. It focuses on a older gentlemen who disciples a group of young teens who all live in the same neighborhood.  As the movie goes along their hearts and lives are transformed by the word of God, and they begin to impact others around them for Christ.  It shows that just one person’s life matters so much, and being willing to speak up for God can make a huge impact on another’s life!  That God can use anyone at any age (young or old).  Through my laughter and tears this movie taught me so much, and is a powerful movie to be enjoyed by the WHOLE family.

I want my funeral to be a celebration, not just of my homecoming to my real home, but of what God can do if a person is willing to make themselves available to God no matter what! Showing his glory and greatness through my weakness!   I don’t want to waste anymore time stressing and worrying about what’s next, but rather, claim the joy of what God has given me and the excitement of what is to come…being open and willing to all that He has for me next.  Is God really “everything” to me or shall I continue in this illusion that I love him and put him first when in reality I am VERY selfish and live as if I have 100 more years left to serve him.  The realty that life is short is real to me at this moment, and I want to live fully EVERY second of the day loving as Jesus loved, living as Jesus lived, having a heart for others….Lord help me on this journey that you have set before me!  I know because you have warned me that Satan is real and when he knows there is danger of growth in you he attacks..so strengthen me during this time that I may be under attack of Satan. I know he wants me to live the safe life and be on the sidelines for you….but you can protect me from his attacks and move me safely to the frontlines!

Chapter 2 Question of the week:  If today was my last what would I regret…what am I wanting to change so I will not continue to have these regrets?

I feel I have gone over a few of these above.  However, the main ones are:  living the complacent safe life that doesn’t truly put Christ first.  I can NO longer live in this illusion that life goes on forever (though I know its short in some ways) I need to live with the sense of urgency of this being my last day and making the very most of it, listening for the heart of God so that he can direct my path….my self run life has gone on for TOO LONG, and this needs to stop immediately.  Wow!  I feel like I’m a toddler in Christ right now and he is reprimanding me in some sense…thank you Jesus for this because I need you to set my path straight before I waste another day, another week, another year….forgive all the past up opportunities that I didn’t even see because I was too wrapped up in my own life or that I past up because I said “no, not today, I’m too busy”!  My heart aches for those lost moments to have served you more fully, let me not continue in that way of living!  I need your help, you to work in and through me for this “new” life to become a reality!

Chapter One

Crazy Love:  Chapter One

I had purchased the DVD that dives a little deeper into this topic of “Crazy Love”.  Francis Chan takes it chapter by chapter giving us a deeper look at each chapter challenging us to go deeper.  Each segment gives a question or two.  So each week when I post I will also include the question of the week that he has given within his DVD Study Guide.  It’s optional, and not something that you have to do.  But if you like to be challenged to go deeper, and are willing to go there dive in!

Question for Chapter One:    What do you think would be the first words that would come out of your mouth when you first see Jesus?

__________________________________________________________________________________

In starting off this chapter it challenged me to look at something completely differently then I had ever before in regards to talking to God…prayer.  How many times in my life without even realizing it have I talked AT God rather than TO him?!  This perspective has challenged me to be mindful of my words, and really give more thought to how I spend my prayer time to my beautiful Lord and Savior  who deserves more then to be talked at!

In watching the Awe Factor video on his website was like a small glimpse of how amazing God is.  It blows my mind the infinite power of God and how quickly I jump to rest on my own thoughts and actions instead of trusting God to work things out for me.  My control freak ways can really get in the way of seeing clearly of how easily God can handle all of my problems and issues that arise daily!  I need to do what the bible says :

Psalms 46:10a

“He says, Be Still and know that I am God.”

If I believe this, truly believe this, I don’t need to waste time being anxious, fearful, or stressed out or formulating different possible plans to “fix” the issue at hand.  I need to just be still and know that he can take care of it, he is the great I AM and I am NOT!

Thinking of God’s awesomeness and greatness-do I give him the glory he so justly deserves?  Most of the time I would sadly have to answer no.  There are so many times I take the credit, the compliment, the reality that any good that is found in me came straight from God calls my pride out on the floor!  It’s with his help and power that I am able to raise and teach this brood of mine, and every day I have to wrestle against my own selfish/sinful desires and ways that come so naturally to me.  But God, this wonderful personal God of mine whom I love so much, he gives me the ability to remain on track even though the world is full of diversions and distractions. Thank you Jesus!

I LOVED the term he used, “spiritual amnesia” because it’s so true!  I have heard, read, and seen firsthand how great and powerful God is…and many times walk away and do not keep that reality fresh in my mind and it turns into a faded distant thought that almost feels like a dream that didn’t really happen.  How could I, how dare I, but I do.  In my humanness I easily forget.  I want to pray this week that God will help me to keep these things in the forefront of my mind!  The realness of his love and power, his greatness!

I love Francis’s honesty in that in real life he shares that it does actually take effort on our part at times to even “want” to spend time with God.  It’s hard to write this, because I know I love him, but I don’t always make the effort in showing him how much I love and want him.  To truly love God and put him first takes effort on my part, and I need to daily put him first and spend time in his word and having a personal relationship with him by spending time in prayer.  I shoot quick prayers off to him throughout the day, but what I am talking about is that alone, focused, here I am lord..here is my heart!

The whole idea of focusing on His goodness instead of my wants-Oh how self consumed I am most days!!!  Not even taking into account the needs of the world around me!  How tragic!  Keeping in mind all we really need is in the Lord, do I truly believe this?  If I do, why don’t I live like I believe it?!

We, even as Christians, still many times try to fit God in this box that we can easily understand and make sense of.  I do this without even thinking about it at times, and I have no earthly idea why?!  God is so unfathomably amazing, and my small human mind doesn’t even remotely grasp this concept of God or His greatness!  I think somehow if I think and believe I understand who and how God is, it will make me feel more in control…and the reality is quite the opposite.  I need to accept the fact I will never ever fully understand the vastness and beauty and amazingness of who God is, and what he does on our behalf daily without us even knowing it.  I need to just praise him for being God, my God, and the greatness of who he is whether I understand him or not!

Questioning God….ah, we have all done this in some way, shape, or form at some point in our lives.  It’s hard to live in the unknown of things and still have peace.  But if I believe he is the all knowing God, who knows best, shouldn’t that peace that passes all understanding win out?  I should say so, and have experienced this so many times in my short life….even though there is heartache and/or turmoil and/or chaos all around me I can have that peace that ONLY comes from the Lord.  If I would only cling to this truth instead of sometimes using God as my “backup plan” or “plan b” when I can’t figure things out on my own.  This reality shakes me to the ground at this moment.  Knowing that his word is all true, can always be depended on, and I need to rest in it and BELIEVE it for goodness sakes….even when my world feels crazy at times!

Bringing my thoughts and focus to the cross and all that Jesus went through because of my sin and his love for us so that we would be saved instead of eternally lost, both blows me away as well as grounds me in the truth and helps my focus to remain on him rather than myself.  I need to use this thought to keep my focus on him when I am distracted from what is most important( which is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ).

Optional Question: What would I say if I were to see Jesus today, at this very moment…..

When I envision this in my mind I honestly see myself falling at his feet, weeping, falling prostrate before him out of reverence and being overwhelmed by his love and beauty…that he would love me, sinful old mess of a me….wow, incredible….no words come to mind because I feel I would be SO overwhelmed by his greatness!  I would most likely tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for my past sins and that I was sorry for the missed opportunities of serving him so many different times on earth….but living with this mindset of what I would say somehow shapes how I will live tomorrow…it makes me feel the love I have for him more fully, being more real to me.  It makes me want to serve and love him each day in ways I never have before in my thoughts and my actions.  It broadens my scope of seeing, thinking, and feeling…..but feels all so much that I need to go before him now sharing these thoughts, because there are so many I could hardly put them all to verse before you in this email…..so I think tonight I will go to him, sharing my heart with him and asking for HIS vision for my life, and for each day…living out of love and reverence for him rather than for myself, my family, and so forth.  God will help all things fall in line just as they should be if I could just get this control freak of person (myself, lol) out of the drivers seat and let him take control!

My prayer request:  Pray that God will give me a clear vision for each day, staying focused on my love for him which overflows to others and that I would bear fruit for him rather than be stagnant in my own little selfish world that I put myself in at times!